Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
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Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*