People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
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Well, this explains it:
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Oh yeah that’s it
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.