me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
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me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
I know karate and tons of other words.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Risking my life for fun.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.