Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
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150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
TODAY
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
reminder
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree