“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
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Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.