When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
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Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
The two types of wives
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Story of my life…..
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road