I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
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Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth