[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
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Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I self medicate, therefore you live.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing