[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
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my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
That’s what I call a flat tire
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.