I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
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My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Who knew!
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs