I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
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I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
this is the news I live for
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out