My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
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Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
somebody come look at this
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time