[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
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I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
thanksgiving should be called feaster
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs