Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
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[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
somebody come look at this
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.