[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
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So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Woke up against my better judgment again
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”