I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
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My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Ummm
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.