Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
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ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
They grow up so quick
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?