Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
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The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Perfection.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?