Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
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The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
my mom making me talk to relatives