teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
You Might Also Like
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree