that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
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ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
They’re really bad with fonts.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?