Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
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Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
hmm conte-me mais
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.