For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
A completely valid reaction tbh
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
This is hilarious….
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.