whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
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A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
#winning
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years