On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
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Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.