Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
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The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.