[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
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Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…