Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
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me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.