doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
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How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
smh
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Just this preview of the story is enough
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’