When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
You Might Also Like
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
“A little help here, Danny?”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero