Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
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*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
new career option?
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.