She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
You Might Also Like
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?