I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
You Might Also Like
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.