I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
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The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
The three genders.