When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
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*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.