Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
You Might Also Like
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 馃槓
This made me laugh more than it should鈥檝e 馃槶
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i鈥檒l settle for finding the vodka aisle
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
I鈥檒l interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I鈥檓 that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we鈥檙e all in trouble.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
馃崨
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn鈥檛 paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I鈥檓 not a table*
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
If you know, you know
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.