@ruffyoung Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
@AndyRichter After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
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@ruffyoung 
@WhatevaConc The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
@sad_tree *A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
@1followernodad *whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
@JimmerThatisAll I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
@amburgklur Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
@LostFelicia Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
@heatherlou_ I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
@jordan_stratton Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
@AmishPornStar1 “Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”