@AndyRichter

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

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@ruffyoung

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

@WhatevaConc

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

@sad_tree

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

@amburgklur

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

@LostFelicia

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

@heatherlou_

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

@jordan_stratton

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

@AmishPornStar1

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”