I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
You Might Also Like
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium