I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
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🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.