I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
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me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?