Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[To Police Sketch Artist]

Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”

Sketch Artist:…

Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

Simultaneously brilliant and awful.

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

Customer is always right

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.

You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?

~my favorite guy at the bar.

I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.

Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god