My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
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Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)