Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
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Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
My purse is deeper than some people.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.