“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
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Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I’m about to risk it all
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.