A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
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channeling her this year
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what