Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
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Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
This sounds bad:
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Mad Max: Furry Road
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad