[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
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I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.