Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
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I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough