Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
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Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
ok this is my dumbest yet
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens