When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
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Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
My dad is at it again
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Saturday
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.